Its everything I wish I didnt Know

9:38pm: silly rabbit, trix are for kids
So, I've been working at Faire, and I've found that no one seems to recognize me this year, oh yes, I left Will at home, cuz he's got to work on weekends. So after hanging around I keep running into girls who met me last year and the year before and I've hung out with before... And they'll smile and be like "Oh we haven't met yet! My name is...." to which, my responce is, "Hey, I'm .... we've met before" and they look all puzzled, so my responce is "I'm dating Will" and suddenly they don't really wanna talk to me, and I get dirty looks... HAH
Silly girl, find your own, we've been together for two years now, you'd think they'd have gotten the message.

10:39am: Dear American Healthcare. FUCK YOU.
I just wasted the better part of 2 hours trying to find a general care physicain that doesn't opperate out of a free fucking clinic. I have health insurance that holds back over $80 each month mind you.
The best I can get is inner city Baltimore to which I had been refered to when my non insured boyfriend needed a Dr (mind you, they had stopped seeing people who were not registered with the state as welfare). There was also one for a center in Owings Mills that was a walk in clinic.
The only Dr. that has any rating with my insurance CO won't have anything open for at least a month and a half (gee I wonder what would happen once I was with him and needed antibiotics?)
The rest of the rated people are either closed until 2pm, OR their number has been disconnected!

Add to this that I have HORRIBLE experiences with ANYONE in a white coat (ranging from the "you say you're a virgin? Well lets give you a pregnancy test just to rule out pregnancy"(I was there for a massive allergic reaction to poison ivy) to "Oh! that bump on your arm is a muscle knot" (It had been there for 6 years prior and is still very much there). I am so FUCKING sick, of not being able to find a decent dr, every time I go to one it's like "gee there's $50 I could have spent on FOOD" to say nothing of the fact that they treat the simptom NOT the diseise! I had growing pains for 6 years and kept being told it was growing pains for 2 years after I'd stopped growing! Their helpful suggestion was to take advil (8 pills at a time did nothing mind you) it took until my dad went over their heads and took me to an orthopedic surgeon for me to get a referal to physical therapy because the muscles hadn't developed right.
I mean for fuck sakes! It's not that fucking hard to get your head out of your goddamn ass long enough to actually do your fucking work as a Dr!

9:39pm: So Andy pointed out to me that I have in fact not posted in... for-freakin-ever.
So, updates? Thoughts?
I live and work with Will now. I quit B&N and now work as a manager at Perk. God help me if I have no idea what I'm doing, not becuase I don't know what I'm doing, but becuase I have very little direction. But, I have a few pet projects... thus...
Other than that? I'm workin' for a goldsmith at MD Ren Faire... fun times. I loves the bodices.
I swear my life is rather boring. :-p

12:32am: fuckin' hell
So I just went to turn on my laptop to play some tuneage... and it wont turn on. The *on* light glows for like 2 seconds and then goes out.
I guess it is about time for the laptop to crap out... but damn. I can't afford a new computer right now!

11:42pm: I demand hugs. And bike rides.
I graduated yesterday. Which is to say, they held a comencement ceremony that I could have walked in, and I opted to move out of millenium. Hu-freakin-zah.
Needless to say, I don't really care, since I don't really know anyone other than maybe five people who were graduating at that time? MAYBE? I just want the fifty bucks I spent on cap and gown back. :-p
I moved into a great apartment (while attempting to finish school) with Will. The place is out in Catonsville, basically a block and a half off of 695, which puts me about 20 minutes from work (with no trafic). No AC, which may or may not be a problem, but we've got windows going on both sides of the apartment, so if push comes to shove, we can turn the place into a wind tunnel.
The apartment itslef is really nice, a decent sized "master bedroom" which is the livingroom, and a relatively small bedroom, with two closets. We've got a kitchen that my dad was nice enough to provide a folding table for, and a porch down the stairs that we've put a rather nice cement bench onto. That and I planted a tomato plant, basil and rosemary. All of which will be nice if they don't die from my lack of plant growing skills...
I now have a car too. My dad's girlfriends old car, which doesn't have a current inspection, and the "check engine" light is on, but from what I've been told, there is actually nothing wrong with the car. o.O go figure, Will's dad said he'd take a look at it either this weekend or next. Either way, I have a CAR. *does a dance* and I actually realized from driving it the past few days, I'm not that bad of a driver. Though I really need someone to give me a refresher course in parallel parking...
Other than that, nothing all that much goin' on. If you're in the Balmer area feel free to swing by, I've been busy as hell lately, but hopefully within the next few weeks things should, I stress should, ease up a bit.
Honestly I just want a day when I can just sit on the porch by myself and read a good book, or draw or something, and not have to be somewhere.... oh well.

10:29pm: wtf
It's funny, but even if I was to drop dead right now, I don't think that it would save me from having to write my honors thesis paper.
Also, my brother got married yesterday.

12:44am: share the joy
this made me burst into extreamly loud laughter while all by my lonesome in the studio... http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=873

10:08pm: german, the only language that can take an emo song and make it sound badass.

7:17pm: Deamon

7:10pm: there is something so increadle about having someone you can call and say "I hate asking you this, becuase I know if I do,that you will be on my doorstep, but do you think you could come over after work tonight?" and have them show up, and give you a huge hug, and then sit and talk to you about what's wrong, not in the mindless "I can't fix this" sort of way, but rather, "yeah, it sucks, but how can you fix it?" and not just how can you fix it, but also, "I will help you, however I can"

5:29pm:

1:54pm: thoughts
I am against the war in Iraq. If I thought that a protest would change anyone's mind, I would be at one on a regular basis. However, protests and marches get no attention anymore, unless there is a riot involved, and then the message is lost.
I just got an invite on facebook to join a group trying to get people to stop Fred Phelps from protesting at the funerals of the kids who were killed at Vtech. Allegedly his reasoning is that these kids deserve to die, becuase they are pursueing a higher education and higher education teaches rebelion against god. If that is truly that man's beleife, I am in shock. Frankly, I'm floored.
How can someone go to someone's funeral and say "you deserved to die", more so, say it in front of those mourning the death of their friend?
I feel that we have lost respect for things sacred in this world. I'm not talking about a sacredness on the behalf of perseonal religion. I'm talking about things we all agree on. Sanctity of human life. Sanctity of the world around us. And yes, sanctity, if not a cautiose respect for death.
I mention the Iraq War because I could never participate at a protest at a funeral. A funeral is not the place. Funerals are a place to say goodbye, to get closure, to remember the dead. It is not for someone to spout their agenda. And frankly, when someone is a victim of circumstance (as I feel with everyone killed in Iraq) how can you blame them? Once you're in, you're in, you cannot refuse to obey your orders without consequences. You surrender your life to higher powers and pray for luck.
I cannot express all the feelings and frustrations I have with the above mentioned protestors. Further more, I am shocked that someone would defile a funeral in such a way. I do not beleive that the dead are any longer responsible for their actions, they are empty shells that remain for us the living, to linger over, and eventually move on from. A protest at a funeral only causes more agony for the families.
There is an oraganization called Patriot Riders of America, and one of the things they do, is they ride out to the funerals of fallen soldiers, and sheild the families from the protestors. I'm glad that there are people like this. Because there need to be the sorts of people who will be honorable.
As for the war, I dissagree with the machine, not the gears inside of it.

1:25am: killing time with a vengance
1. Height?
5'3"

2. Your last conversation involved...?
tattoo talk, significant others, or lack there of, uh... I think my bangs?... stupid stuff

3. Are there squirrels in your bushes?
I feel like I should be alarmed by that question...

5. What makes you nervous?
presenting in front of people, going to a party, graduation

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
congratulation for giving me a craving, you sadistic twit.

7. Favorite piece of music?
Oy... uhm at the moment I would say Alegria... but uh... my taste changes... I also am really into KMFDM's version These Boots Were Made For Walking with the female singer

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Glass of water followed by a GOOD cup of coffee

9. Can you do push ups?
lets find out...

10. Is your bathroom clean?
I suppose...

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My key.

12. Roses?
sure. Dandelions are better

13. What is your secret weapon?
I AM in fact a girl... though I think I keep it well hidden

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Probably from hanging out with A.D.D. people, but not biological

16. Middle Name?
Sergeevna

17. Name 4 thoughts at this exact moment?
Hunger
Tired
Will
To make room for the tunaaaaaaaaaa

18. Name the last 3 things you have bought?
oh jesus. uh. food. coffee. ... I don't remember.

Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:
water, coffee, tea.

22. Current worry?
Getting a reliable car and actually being totaly independant

23. Current hate?
She's blonde, and has her head up her butt.

24. Favorite place to be?
outside

25. One animal you are afraid of?
snakes

26. Where would you like to go?
anywhere but here

27. Do you own a lemon zester?
no

28. What shirt are you wearing right now?
an elevator company uniform shirt. Huzzah for thrift stores!

29. Do you burn or tan?
I used to tan always, but now I can burn...

30. Favorite color(s)?
Most of them. Green, purple, dark red, neon blue, black are on the top...

31. Would you be a Pirate?
Don't want scurvey thank you :-p

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don't sing in the shower.... I have roommates

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
monster in the closet...

35. What's in your pockets right now?
walet, cellphone, scrunchy, keys.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
loooooooooong story

37. Weekend plans?
hanging out with Will... honors thesis

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
uh.... Don't righly know...

40. Do you have cable?
Yeah

41. Where were you tonight?
studio

42. Who is your most silent friend?
oy vey... I don't really have those... if you don't talk, I probably loose interest in you... You gotta hold your own with me for me to stick around.

43. Does someone love you?
I should hope so.

44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
in theory

45. Three current favorite books:
Catcher in the Rye, Perks of Being a Wallflower, the Jewelr's bible (can't remember the name of the book... but it's HUGE)

46. What is your favorite candy?
chocolate

47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
Oh god... Not a clue...

48. Do you keep a written diary?
I try... but I fail. LJ is the only one I can seem to keep any sort of track of.

49. What were you doing @ 12 AM last night?
studying.

50. What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
tried to figure out why my alarm was blaring and why my phone was in my sock drawer.

12:03pm: Rather lucky, than good...
I need to get my butt into the studio and get some work DONE. However, there is a distraction faaaaaaar too good to pass up. That and we all know I have poor self control...
Last night Will called me when he got off work at 2:30. We kept each other up until 5am. It's not that we didn't try to get off the phone, both of us mentioned the time, on several occasions, but then it'd be like "wait! I have one more quick thought!" and the conversation would pick up from there again, and again, and again. We've spent days at each other's side, and the conversation does not really stop, we always have something new to talk about, some new shiney thought to explore... I've told him thoughts and ideas I've had for years, that I've never shared with anyone, the whole thing makes me think that maybe both of us are slightly insane. I have never felt that strong of a connection with someone on so many levels.
But apparently fortune loves a fool, since after not being able to get up on early enough to get a last minute cram session in for an exam that I had originaly thought was on thursday (thank god for Whitney who called me up to study last night), I went to class, and found that the teacher was out with the liquid death, thus giving me two hours more to study. Huzzah. Though I hate getting Cs, I think I'll be happy with a C, since I didn't hear a single one of the lectures since last exam. I was either cutting class, or asleep. >.<
We'll see how it goes, hopefully I can convincingly bullshit.
Top it off with Will comming over after work tonight... *SQUEEEEEE*

1:18pm: Words cannot express...
I got to ride on the back of a Ducati street bike yesterday... Words cannot express how elated it makes me feel. I had dreams about riding that bike all of last night. If you wanna see me like a giddy school girl, I suggest you come over and catch me, soon.
I've known I wanted a bike for a long time, even when I bitch about how much of a pain my scooter is, truth is, I wouldn't get rid of Baby Max, except as a way of getting a real motorcycle. And even then, I'd feel a little bit sad about it... Baby Max is a sweetheart.
But riding on the back of a full bike, and actually TRUSTING the driver was amazing. When I heard that engine go, I seriously thought I'd chicken out, but Zoom's awsome, he took it slow, until I was comfortable, and even when he took off, he wasn't pushing the bike in any real way. We went onto the highway cloverleaf, so I could get used to leaning on a bike, and that was SO much fun...
There are few things that make me wanna woop for joy, riding a bike, is on top of that list.
I dunno, I just feel totaly free on a bike.

2:51am: that sinking feeling
I know I broke up with Zach, but something is sitting uneasy with me, namely the fact that I don't know where he is, or how he is. Last I heard he was really sick, and I have no idea if he's gotten better, or anything. He was a big part of my life for a long time, and if I said I didn't think of him on a daily basis, I'd be a liar. But I have no way to internet stalk him, seeing as he's not on any web communitites that I'm on, he hasn't loged into Facebook since before we started dateing, and while he used to be active on RvB, he hasn't been on there for a month.
I'm worried, and I wish I had some way of finding out if he was ok, or what not....

3:25am: The possitive
It's spring, and for all the fear of having to graduate, and anger at how sometimes life just blows, I'm rather happy. Mind you I'm not really all that content. But, some things make me feel like life is good.
I reconnected with a friend, from the department, two actually. And met up and hung out with Rob from JDS. It's nice to realize that while people as a whole tend to suck, people as individuals are rather nice. I know I'm a social person, but the past few years, I've been rather anti-social. And I don't really know why...
I've made a few new friends lately that make me really happy, and my decision to stay in Towson for the summer is making me feel a lot better about my life. I don't know what I'll do come August, but it's going to be nice to just relax out here for a little bit.
I hung out with Valerie on Sunday, and she told me about this thing, of making a collage of all the things you want out of life, and putting it up on your wall, and pretending that you already have all those things, and I think I'm going to do something like that, only in journal form.
I know what I want out of life, and while I don't want to have to wait to get it, I will if I have to. And I'm not going to sit on my hands waiting for it to come, I'm just going to go on and go live my life, and when what I really want comes along, I hope I can grab it. If not, oh well, as they say, "tuck and roll"

1:02am: Fear of Dying by Jack Off Jill
I'm not afraid of standing still
I'm just afraid of being bored
I'm not afraid of speaking my mind
I'm just afraid of being ignored

I'm not afraid of feeling
and I'm not afraid of trying
I'm just afraid of losing
And I am afraid of dying

Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too
Without you yes I do
Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too
Without you yes I...

I'm not afraid of being sick
I'm more afraid of being well
I'm not afraid
Put the gun in my hand
I'm just afraid it will hurt like (hurt like) hell

I'm not afraid of screaming
and I'm not afraid of crying
I'm just afraid of forgetting
And I am afraid of dying

Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too
Without you yes I do
Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too
Without you yes I...

Fear of
Fear of
Fear of
Fear of

I'm not afraid of looking ugly
I couldn't care what they say
I'm not afraid of happy endings
I'm just afraid my life won't work that way

I'm not afraid of forgiveness
I absolve you everything
I'm not afraid of lying...
But I am afraid of dying

Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too
Without you yes I do
Without you all I do is sit and think about you
Without you yes I...

2:23pm: hangovers=hate

9:07pm: The internet is a scary place
So today I rang out a kid who was buying some sci-fi books. Snowcrash I beleive and some other random sci-fi stuff. I told him I'd heard good things about Snowcrash, and we sort of had a half conversation about sci-fi authors and all that jazz.
I come home to find a message from him on Facebook.
*LAUGHS*
He seems as the not scary stalker sort, but I still giggle. It's the name, really. I mean, how many "Anastasiya"s do you know?

2:54pm: Stompy boots
Last night was fucking amazing.
Libby came out, and not I have a groupie, which makes me ever so excited. She and I spent most of the night on the dance floor...
They played Numa Numa, which is always freakin' awsome, and not only did they play it, but they played a version I had never heard before, which had a male vocal and a female... I danced for most of the night, stomping and jumping and twirling around, and talked to a bunch of people I already knew... It's nice to be recognised, by people, like really. Even nicer when they come up to you to say "hi" before you see them. I had someone come up and tell me I looked "bad ass" when I was dancing, which was also funny, becuase, they were a co-worker of mine. I also found out one of my co-workers used to be the jello shot girl at the gay club across the street. I wound up getting a ride home with Libby rather than KT (who lives a lot closer to me, but she was chatting with people and I didn't wanna bug her), becuase I got a rather distressed call from a friend of mine and wanted to get home asap. I sat up and talked with her, and then we proceded to go hang out with people, and get drunker...
You know you had a good night, when you went to bed right before the alcohol makes you so drunk you want to puke. When you wake up and you remember the whole night, and sore from all the dancing. When you have no hangover, and, well, I will just say that, while I'm still pissed off at many people for many different bullshit things, I'm feeling significantly less like I want to kill people and more like ... dancing?
I gotta admit, my main reason for Eshock... the dancefloor.

7:36pm: ICH WILL BRENNEN!!!!!!!!!!

10:31pm:

3:01am:

You scored as Batman, the Dark Knight. As the Dark Knight of Gotham, Batman is a vigilante who deals out his own brand of justice to the criminals and corrupt of the city. He follows his own code and is often misunderstood. He has few friends or allies, but finds comfort in his cause. </td> Batman, the Dark Knight 88% Captain Jack Sparrow 83% Lara Croft 79% Maximus 75% El Zorro 75% William Wallace 75% James Bond, Agent 007 71% The Amazing Spider-Man 67% Neo, the "One" 63% Indiana Jones 58% The Terminator 46% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

1:32am: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gR8S0zwOa0A&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Emyspace%2Ecom%2F